Chronicle- poem

By, J. Lynn Dickson

I’m the one you saw twenty years ago
Standing at the bus stop
Cloaked in first day jitters
Spiral curls twisted in place
By Grandma’s not so loving hands
I carried at my side a cold metal box
Puffed out Strawberry Shortcake
Filled with food that would return the same way

I smiled on demand
At flashbulbs and teachers
I scribbled bright colors over Care Bear faces
X-ing out the places where color
Swelled over the edges
Pushed by tiny, trembling fingers
X’s made them disappear
Made them perfect

I waited for my mother after school
Hands clasped obediently
Then stuffed in shallow pockets
Of a coat out of style
One hour turned to two
Rain drops to tears
Swallowed when finally familiar headlights broke
Through the midst of abandonment’s ghost

I’m the girl with the red/blonde hair
Green peering eyes that revealed nothing
Seeing everything
I felt the pain of your tears
The surge of your anger
The belly of your fear
Just by looking in your eyes
Your soul’s pane

And now here I am
Girl grown woman sized
With the same hair, eyes, heart
Still seeing, still longing
Still chasing the same rainbow
But now my curls are straightened
By the weight of circumstance
I still smile on demand
At clients and men
I still insist on perfection
Trying to X out the places in my life
Where mistakes swelled over righteousness
Tears over smiles
Trying to make them disappear
Trying to be perfect
I no longer wait for Mother,
Now I wait for me…